I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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