You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's blow job season.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
