worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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