dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
