I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
