He kissed a someone with a penis
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
