I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
