At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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