Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
