you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
