Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
