He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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