Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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