I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You can't special order awesome
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
