ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
