Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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