def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
