That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
