I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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