Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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