how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
where are you?
Hypothermia
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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