take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
