i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I need a beard to bite.
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