I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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