i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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