I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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