Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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