and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
