i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
