so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
