in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
