I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize