I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
