Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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