Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
