I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
