There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
