guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
