the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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