There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
