we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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