I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
