I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
