we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize