I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
