I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
