3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
