Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
