umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
