I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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