They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
