We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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