I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
