I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
