If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Boobs speak an international language.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
