A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
