We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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