I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
