I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize