If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
