2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize