I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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